Picking up the Pieces
by LylaMackenzie
Summary: Three years after Johnny and Dallas lose their lives, things begin to fall back into place for the Curtis brothers. However, when things arise unexpectedly, it may send their new normal into a tailspin.
1. Chapter 1

As the years passed, the summers didn't seem quite as long, the winters as empty. And eventually the broken pieces didn't only seem to be held together with insubstantial tape. It didn't mean things were perfect, nor did it mean the hurt was gone; that could easily sneak up on you without warning. But things were manageable, enjoyable at times, and life continued, however unsteady it appeared.

Ponyboy didn't fear the nights with the same crippling ferocity anymore, and the nightmares were becoming less. Soda still slept with him and Pony found comfort in that. At seventeen, Pony was too old to need his big brother as a security blanket, but Soda was a constant and Pony had come to rely on that, as most things seemed to vanish before he could even touch them.

Laughter also made its way back into the Curtis household, the guilt of it fading with the years. Things were progressing as they should, with Pony set to graduate in the spring. Life sure would change once that happened…

The front door slammed as it shut, arousing Ponyboy from his thoughts. He allowed his eyes to drift to the window, wondering the time. Pink and orange tinted the sky and Pony smiled, as he did whenever he witnessed a sunset, wistfully, albeit happy; they'd made it through another day. "Pony" A voice called from the living room. "Pony, are you daydreaming again?" The voice was closer now and Pony looked up to see his brother, Darry, leaning against the doorframe. The muscular older male seemed to take up the doorway, his tan skin apparent even in the shadows, sweat still clinging to his brow. It was clear in every aspect the job Darry did on a daily basis, and at times he looked older for it.

"Don't worry Darry." Ponyboy tapped the notebook in front of him. "I'm just about done." Darry knew he didn't need to check with Pony anymore about homework; maybe it was out of habit, or maybe it was just Darry's way of showing he cared. Either way, Pony didn't mind.

'"Alright. I'm gonna shower then get started on dinner. Soda took a late shift so he won't be home for awhile." Pony nodded. Sodapop still worked at the DX and had been taking on extra hours since Johnny and Dallas died. Pony suspected some days being in the house without the whole gang was hard on Soda. Even Pony still hoped every once in awhile he'd wake up to find Johnny asleep on the couch in the morning, escaping from the harsh voices and even crueler hands in his own home. Or that Dally would come bursting through the door, cool dripping off him like rain off a roof in a thunderstorm. He was tuff. They both were.

Darry disappeared down the hall, his boots making the same sound their dad's used to, heavy yet smooth. Pont thought about the last time he saw their parents , nearly five years ago, and realized he hadn't thought about them in awhile. He felt his face flush with shame and he wondered if he was the only one. Did Soda think about them? Did Darry? It's not that he'd forgotten, he hadn't. But maybe he was starting to.

Pony heard the shower go on in the bathroom and resumed his homework. It was English, nothing too hard, and Pony made a point to get good grades. Maybe he wouldn't be going to college, but he didn't want Darry to think he'd failed as a guardian, as a dad. He thought of all Darry had given up since then. Soda too. If it hadn't been for him, maybe they'd be somewhere, at least somewhere other than Tulsa, Oklahoma.

His homework completed, he closed his notebook and walked to the living room. It was silent other than the hum of the shower and the slight breeze that blew leaves across their porch. They kept the door open, though the screen was shut, to cut down on heating and cooling costs. Pony flopped down on the couch and began flipping through the channels. He sighed, a few strands of hair falling over his forehead. It was brown again, but the process of growing it out again seemed to take forever and the blond didn't exactly make him look tuff. In the end he'd cut it short enough to rid himself of the last trace of Windrixville. It was finally back to what it used to be.

Since Johnny and Dallas died, he thought he'd never get the smell, the sight, the taste as it were, out of his mind. But once the blond hair was gone, his memories seemed to dim, as if their vividness were solely tied to his locks. He still had the book Johnny had left him, along with the letter. The letter had become worn along the edges from reading it so much. It was the only thing he had left of Johnny and right after Johnny died, Pony used to read it every day. He didn't anymore. One day Soda had come home early from the DX (Pony later found out a jack had slipped out from under a vehicle right after Soda had been under it, and he'd been too shaky to properly get any more work done that day) and found Pony, letter in hand, tears running down his cheeks. Pony hadn't even heard him come in. For a moment, Soda stood in the doorway to their room, his whole being filled with the burden of sadness radiating from his baby brother. His heart clenched in his chest, unshed tears building in his own eyes. Soda knew what that letter was. He crept slowly into the room, and sat softly on the bed, gently taking the letter from Pony's trembling hands. Setting the letter carefully on the bed, he moved so that he was close enough to feel the heat from Pony's body against his own skin. He then took Ponyboy in his arms, feeling the younger boy succumb to his heartache, his breath releasing in an anguished sigh, as he dissolved into his older brother's arms. The tears that had been silent, and rather discreet, now fell with a desperate intensity, sobs forcing themselves from his body. Soda cradled his brother, his shirt quickly absorbing Pony's grief. He brushed his hands through Pony's hair in an effort to provide some sort of comfort. After awhile, the distress and energy seemed to lessen. "Sometimes I can't catch my breath Soda. It's too much." It came out in a whisper, the heartache profound.

Soda held Pony at arm's length, brushing the remaining tears from his brother's face. "You've seen too much for fourteen, Pony. And I'm sorry we couldn't protect you from that. But Pony, you can't keep torturing yourself with it all." Pony's eyes fell. "I'm not saying don't remember, but don't force yourself not to forget." He reached for the letter then. "Maybe its time to put this away for awhile." Pony felt the breath go out of his lungs. "Not get rid of it, just put it away." Soda's voice broke. Johnny was a part of all of them. "It's destroying you, Pone."

Ponyboy had put the letter in Gone With the Wind and put the book in his desk. He thought about it more often than he'd admit, but he had kept his promise to Soda about not reading the letter again. He knew Soda didn't mean forever, but he was afraid if he got it out again, it would throw him into a place he'd never be able to get out of.

Turning his attention back to the television, he settled on the news for something to occupy his mind. "…not sure how the fire started as of yet, but firefighters are here at the scene trying to keep the blaze under control…" Pony sat forward, fully alert as the image on the screen registered. The DX. Fire. "Soda." He breathed. "SODA!"


	2. Chapter 2

The bloodcurdling scream had Darry nearly tripping over himself to get out of the shower. "Pony! Pony are you okay?" Darry had a towel wrapped around his waist, already finished with his shower, when he heard Ponyboy yelling for Soda. He hadn't quite stepped out yet and his hair dripped water onto the floor as he threw himself from the bathroom and into the hall. His chest tightened instinctively, protectiveness making his heart race. He met a stricken looking Pony in the hallway, Darry's feet sliding a little as he skidded to a stop to keep from knocking the younger boy to the ground.

"Soda. Darry, we have to hurry." Pony choked out, panic in his eyes. Darry put his hands on Ponyboy's shoulders, a gesture meant to get him to slow down. "Pony calm down. What's going on?" He kept his voice calm, knew he needed to keep a level head, though he could feel the tenseness in his brother's body. He had assumed it was a dream Pony was having, though Pony didn't typically realize he was dreaming right away and called for Soda (Darry didn't want to admit that this bothered him, but knowing he needed Soda more than him stung just a little.) from his bed. The fact that he was up and moving around threw him for a loop. And why was he asking for Soda, he knew he was at work. Pony took a breath. He needed Darry to understand.

"No. Darry. The DX. I saw on the news there was a fire at the DX. Soda is there, Darry." Pony felt his throat closing up, his stomach in knots, threatening to spill the contents of his lunch, but he managed to pull Darry into the living room. The story was playing live so it was still on the television. Darry took it all in in a matter of seconds.

"Shit." He bolted to his room and threw his old clothes back on, still caked in grease and dirt from spending the day lugging bundles of roofing up ladders and affixing them to the latest house in need of repair. Not bothering to dry off , the water clinging to his skin didn't help in getting the clothes on in any kind of hurry and Darry cursed again. "SHIT! Pony grab my keys and go start my truck." Pony stood rooted to the spot, the television lulling him into a sort of horrific stupor. Not hearing the door bang open, Darry called again. "Pony!" He hopped into the room slipping his boots onto his feet, the laces dragging on the floor. Pulling Pony by the arm, his face softened a bit, even through the desire to run a fist through the wall percolated inside him. "Come on, Pone." He didn't look at the TV again as he half dragged his youngest brother out the door and into the truck. He didn't want to see what was going on at the DX, what might be happening to his little buddy. Darry started the truck and backed out of the drive, the wheels spinning up gravel as if in protest. Neither of them spoke as they drove, neither one wanting their fears to become a reality simply by speaking them aloud. But Darry kept glancing at Pony, as if he could somehow put himself at ease, knowing that he could help at least one of his brothers. Pony stared out the window, his mind racing. There was another fire. Only this time, his brother was inside.

They saw the smoke and flames before they even came close to the building, heard the sirens, the shouting. Ponyboy sunk lower in his seat. He felt fourteen all over again, and the last time things didn't turn out so well. As the building loomed closer, the smoke a black cloud, the flames accentuating the darkening sky, Pony felt his chest tighten. Darry tried to keep his breathing normal. Even though Pony was nearly an adult, Darry still wanted to protect him, didn't want to overreact until necessary. But he was scared.

The gas station looked engulfed, entirely encapsulated, there was nowhere for anyone to go. Darry pulled the truck onto a side street, not bothering to keep to the curb. He had barely put the truck in park and his door was open and he was running, his mind spinning. As he approached the crowd, he was stopped by an officer, "Sorry, son you can't go in there."

"My brother's in there!" He nearly screamed. "He's in there!" Darry felt his jaw tense. The cop got on his radio, his hand still on Darry's chest. Darry resisted the urge to shove him off. "Anyone in or around the building was taken to the local hosp—"

Darry didn't wait for him to finish. He ran back to the truck and a pale and shaken Ponyboy. "Pony" Darry breathed, as he threw the truck in reverse. "We've got to go to the hospital. They've taken Soda, everyone I guess, to the hospital." Pony nodded, his eyes glued to the fire, his breathing quickening. Darry put a hand on Pony's knee, feeling the tremble there, and took a deep breath. As soon as he was clear of the crowd, he put his foot to the floor. His mind was on one thing: saving one brother before it destroyed the other. He didn't know what kind of state Sodapop was in and he didn't know what he was going to do once they reached the hospital, but he knew he had to get there quickly.

As they pulled into the emergency parking lot, where they knew Soda must be, Ponyboy felt his body tense. The last time they were here was three years ago. Johnny died in this hospital and he had watched it happen. Later on, Pony himself had been brought here after collapsing in the street moments after watching Dallas get shot. This hospital was entwined with the most horrible memories of his life and he hoped it wasn't going to be added to.

The two of them made their way into the hospital, practically running, narrowly missing a couple nurses on their way to who knows where and approached the information desk. Darry slowed his movements and tried to keep his voice calm, for Pony or himself he didn't know. Darry kept Ponyboy within arm's reach, ready to catch him or pull him along somewhere in a hurry. Pony looked a bit out of it and Darry didn't like it one bit. "My brother Sodapop Curtis was brought here not long ago after a fire." He glanced at Pony, who seemed to grow paler by the minute. "A fire at the DX station?"

The nurse looked at him as if he were joking, as did everyone who heard Soda and Pony's names, but she tapped away on her computer anyway. "I don't see a Sodapop, did you say?" Darry nodded and she continued. "There were three young men brought in that haven't been identified yet by family or were without ID." Identified. To Darry that screamed dead body. He rubbed his arms with his hands as if cold, but maybe just for something to do with them.

"Soda worked at the DX and would have been wearing a DX shirt and jeans." Darry had to work hard to keep his voice steady. Just because they didn't know who Soda was didn't mean anything. But why couldn't he have told them? Was he hurt so badly he couldn't speak? "He's only 20, young, strong…"It was as if Darry were trying to convince himself of something, that Soda was alright. Pony swayed next to him and Darry reached out a hand to steady him.

"I understand." The nurse, who's name, Darry noticed, was Monica, picked up a phone to her right. "Let me get ahold of someone working on the accident and see what I can do for you."

"Thank you." Darry breathed, and stood there until the look the nurse gave him told him he should go sit down. He guided Ponyboy to a section of chairs to the left of the nurse's station, and they both took a seat. Darry tapped a leg up and down, anxiously awaiting any information that might put his mind at ease. After what seemed like hours, but was surely only a few minutes, they heard a voice "Family of Sodapop Curtis?" They both stood quickly, looking towards the voice. A man in green scrubs carrying a clipboard approached the waiting area. He was covered in what looked like dried blood. Pony felt his stomach lurch and he looked away. "You're family members of Sodapop Curtis?" The man asked as they nervously stood in front of him. Darry nodded.

"Yes, sir." He managed. "We're his brothers." He always sounded stronger than he felt, a skill he seemed to acquire a few years ago.

"I'm Dr. James. I met your brother here when he was brought in. If you'd like we can all have a seat." He led them to a more secluded area and they all sat down, waiting for the words that would change their lives. "Mr. Curtis, Sodapop, was brought in a couple hours ago, without any ID so that is why we weren't able to get ahold of you. At the moment, he's in intensive care." Pony sucked in a breath and Darry closed his eyes, trying to keep himself composed. "Its mostly for smoke inhalation, which he's on a respirator for. When rescuers got to him he was unconscious, another reason we were unaware of his identification. But he's stable. We are keeping him in intensive care until we are sure he can breathe fully on his own and there is no internal damage. He also had some glass that was blown into his body following the explosion. It's a process to extract the tiny pieces that were implanted into his face, arms, and upper body. However, he is very lucky. He was outside, in the back of the gas station when it occurred and suffered very little burns, only mildly on his legs. He did hit his head from the force of the blow, but as of yet we haven't seen any lasting damage form that. It will be more apparent if there are any issues when he wakes up. But, as I've said, he was very fortunate, others weren't as lucky."

Darry took it all in, and finally breathed a sigh of relief. Soda was alive. He was ok. And for the moment that's all that mattered. "Can we see him?"

"Of course. I'll take you to him." They followed the doctor down a long corridor and through not one, but two sets of double doors. He then led them down a hallway to the right, where machines beeped and nurses rushed past them attending to the patients and families in the most tender part of the hospital. They stopped at a room, the lights dim, the whooshing of machines the only sound. "You can stay as long as you like. Press the red button on the side of his bed if you need anything."

"Thank you." Darry said as the doctor turned and walked back down the hallway. "Alright Pony. He's ok in there. Are you ready?"

Pony nodded and followed Darry into the room, his stomach twisting with anxious anticipation. He saw the body lying there in the bed, and no amount of preparation could have prepared him for what lay before his eyes, the machines…..the blood? The room suddenly tilted on its axis, his head filling with a dense fog. "Johnny." Pony's voice sounded like it was full of sand, barely audible above machines helping his brother survive. Darry caught him before he hit the floor, the terror etched on his face. It was three years ago all over again.


	3. Chapter 3

Pony awoke slowly, the light in the room causing him to shut his eyes against the brightness. "Pony." Darry sat at the edge of the bed, keeping a watchful eye on his brother. After Ponyboy fainted, Darry had accompanied him to another room to make sure he was okay. Knowing both of his brothers were in hospital beds wasn't very reassuring. He hadn't left Pony's side, not wanting him to wake up alone, unsure of the state he'd be in when he awoke. Soda was being monitored by a few nurses and one of the best doctors in the hospital, so while he was clearly in worse shape, he had many people on his side. Relief flooded his body when he saw Ponyboy open his eyes. The doctor who checked him over after the incident had assured Darry that Ponyboy had simply been overwhelmed by the events and no harm would come to him. But what they didn't realize was the name Pony had uttered seconds before the world turned black. They could barely afford to have Soda in the hospital and there was no way they'd let Pony leave if they thought he was delirious. They'd have to figure out that one on their own.

"Darry?" Ponyboy thought his head was going to explode. It had been a long time since he'd had a headache this awful. "Darry." He sat up too quickly and winced. Darry put a hand on his arm to help steady him.

"Pony its okay." Darry reassured him. "you just fainted."

"My head is killing me." Ponyboy put a hand to his eyes, the source of the pain. "Can I have some aspirin?"

"Yeah, we'll see about getting you some." Darry knew that Ponyboy was alright, but still didn't want to leave him. He also needed to get to Sodapop. He needed to see for himself that Soda was okay. He didn't make it over to Soda before Ponyboy passed out so didn't get a good enough look at him. "Pony, if you're okay, I'm going to go be with Soda for awhile."

"I wanna come with you." Pony protested.

"I'm not sure that's such a good idea Pony. You barely made it into the room before you fainted." Darry sighed. "Pony do you remember what you said right before you passed out?"

Ponyboy squinted against the pain in his head. "I don't know. Did I say anything stupid?"

Darry would have laughed if it hadn't been for the circumstances. "You said Johnny's name, Ponyboy. It's like you went back to three years ago all over again." He ran a hand through his ungreased hair.

"I'm really sorry Darry. I don't remember." Ponyboy lay back against the pillow, rubbing a hand over his face. "Can I please have some aspirin?"

Darry sighed. "Sure." He stood to leave. "Look, Pony, try and get some sleep. I'll send a nurse in with some medicine for you head. I don't think you should see Soda right now."

"But Darry.." Ponyboy started to protest again, but Darry cuts him off. "Pony, please. Just for once, listen to me when I tell you to do something." Darry was exhausted, physically, mentally. It was taking a lot out of him after all this time, all this worrying, no wonder he felt like a 50 year old man at times, rather than 23. Ponyboy seemed to sense this and let the subject drop. He readjusted himself on the pillow and closed his eyes again, showing Darry that he could still appreciate everything after all these years.

Darry left the room and, after stopping by the nurse's station to ask for some aspirin for Pony, headed to Sodapop's room. He felt that nervous tension edging into his body again as he approached the more solemn part of the hospital. He'd been in a hospital too many times for his liking in the past few years, for too many people he cared too much about. As he entered the room, this time without Ponyboy, he took a deep breath, the stench of the sterile, medical smell that accompanied hospitals lingering in the air. He walked slowly to Soda's bedside, taking in everything that surrounded him; the machine that breathed for him, the tubes and bags of fluid, beeping machines monitoring his very being. He pulled a chair up to his brother's left side, careful not to bump anything, and sat down. That very motion, sitting, seemed to finally break a wall within him. "Oh, Soda." Darry didn't stop the tears that fell, unbidden, from his eyes, didn't stop the hunch that developed in his shoulders as he caved in on himself. He let it happen, needed it to happen. After a few moments, the tears began to subside, the grief draining from his body as it came back to the reality of the situation. Darry was strong, unbelievably strong, and if he weren't alone, he probably wouldn't have let himself go like that. He felt he needed to be strong for his brothers, they needed someone to lean on. But it felt good to get it out, allow himself to feel what he hadn't been able to feel in years, not since his friends, his family, had died. He knew you couldn't live in the past, couldn't burden yourself with things you couldn't control, but he also felt he couldn't afford to lose anything more.

Darry ran a hand through his hair, laughing to himself at the lack of grease, how Soda would make a joke about it. He reached out and touched his brother's hand, gently, taking notice the tiny pinpricks from where the glass had embedded itself. Soda wouldn't be happy about the pockmarks, the scars, that would inevitably alter his hands, face, and torso. It didn't look horrible, Darry admitted, though after all he'd been though, Soda being as well of as he was was enough. Darry felt calmed by this and allowed himself to relax and sit with his brother, the only thing he could do for him at the moment.

Pony heard it first. The sound of footsteps coming seemingly closer, the sound of yelling, terror entwined with desperation. Then hands on him, restraining, fingers tightening around his arms, his chest being held in place. All at once, he opened his eyes, realized he was the one screaming, nurses gripping his body, keeping him from tearing himself apart. His cheeks were also wet with tears he didn't even realize he'd been crying. He forced himself to still, his breath coming in sharp gasps, his heart pounding in his chest. He needed to gain control. The nurses loosened their grip slightly and Ponyboy felt his body begin to relax, or at least get to where he wasn't shaking anymore. "Are you ok, sweetheart?" One of them asked. Ponyboy felt himself flush with color. Great, he thought, now he was having public nightmares. How embarrassing. He smiled slightly to let them know he was okay. They seemed to understand and, after checking him over just in case, left the room.

Ponyboy took stock of his surroundings and sighed. At least he was alone in the room, though who knows how many other patients, nurses, doctors heard him. And what did that mean for his release? He'd fainted, sure, but other than that he felt fine. His headache was even gone. After calming down to a reasonable level, Ponyboy stood and tested his legs. At least I'm not going to pass out again, he thought. He headed for the door in search of Sodapop's room. He thought he could remember the way, but he wasn't exactly paying attention the first time around. No one stopped him as he left the room and he took that as a good sign. He headed down the hall, slightly disheveled, but more with it than before, and thought about the nightmare he'd had, the only one he'd ever remembered.


	4. Chapter 4

Darry awoke to hearing his name, a hand gently on his back. "Mr. Curtis?" Darry realized he must have fallen asleep at some point, his head resting on his arms. He was still seated in the chair beside Sodapop's bed, his body leaning so it rested on the edge of the bed, next to Soda's arm. Darry coughed an apology and turned so he was facing the doctor. "May I have a word with you?" Darry was instantly alert, sending a glance towards Soda. Surely he would've known if something had changed? The doctor noticed and assured Darry that Sodapop, under the circumstances, was fine. Then what was the problem, and why did it remind Darry of being in the Principal's office? "Mr. Curtis, I've actually stopped in to inform you that your other brother, the one who fainted, awoke a few moments ago, appearing to have some sort of a nightmare."

The color drained from Darry's face. He thought they were over this for the most part. "Is he okay?" He asked, not sure he wanted to hear the answer. Pony was usually pretty out of it and skittish after a bad nightmare, and having one in a public forum wouldn't have been particularly pleasant.

"He seemed fine after the fact. A couple nurses went in to check on him after hearing screams coming from his room. But other than being quite shaken, he was otherwise, physically, alright." He informed Darry it wasn't unusual for individuals to have nightmares after a traumatic event, something Darry had heard before. Darry thanked him and asked if it were okay if Ponyboy came in to see Soda, thinking it may put him at ease seeing his brother was essentially ok. Maybe his nightmare was stemming from his imagination, or thoughts of Johnny from three years ago, and seeing Soda would help resolve those things.

"I don't see why not." He answered. "You said he was pretty shaken up on his way into the building and all of that combined with seeing his brother lying in a hospital bed can be a pretty hard thing to take in. He's not the first person to faint after seeing a loved one in this state. But they tend to recover once the initial shock passes and are able to spend time with whoever is in the hospital. And the nightmare could have just been his mind processing it all." After Darry nodded his thanks, Dr. James checked on Soda before leaving to attend to other patients.

" Be right back, Pepsi-Cola." Darry said, calling his brother by their father's affectionate nickname for him. As he stepped into the hallway, he noticed a flurry of activity in one of the rooms down the hall, and quickly turned away. He didn't want to get into anyone else's business, especially considering he knew how it felt to be on that end of things. As he made his way to where he'd left Ponyboy, he thought of three years ago, when Pony had come home from the hospital after Johnny died, looking paler than he'd ever seen him, eyes glassy, and told the gang what had happened. He felt every heart in that room break. Was that what Ponyboy felt when he stepped into Soda's hospital room?

Ponyboy was headed down a bright hallway, not completely sure he was going in the right direction. He saw a nurse's station ahead of him and decided to stop and ask. As he approached the desk, he heard his name from behind him. He turned to find Steve and Two-Bit jogging towards him. "Ponyboy!" Two-Bit was a little out of breath, concern etched on his face. "What the hell happened?"

The older boys looked at Pony for answers. He had none to give them. What happened but another fire, another person they loved in the hospital. Too much, too much all at once and no explanation for any of it. "How'd you know to come here?"

"It was all over the news Ponyboy. But Two-Bit and me, we were walking to your house and saw the smoke. The fire is long gone now I guess, but the DX is just ash. We were asking around, everybody seems to know, they told us to come here." Steve looked at his feet. "Where's Sodapop, Ponyboy?"

"He's in a room right now. I think he's okay, but I haven't seen him, not really."

"Are you here by yourself? Where's Superman?" The nickname had a lot to do with Darry's muscular physique, though Ponyboy saw it as much more than that. Darry was the strongest person he knew, carried on through so much without breaking. Ponyboy often wondered what would be Darry's kryptonite.

"He's with Soda." Pony didn't mention the nightmare. The gang knew all about his nighttime issues, but he didn't want to add any more worry to their day. Plus, as if doing it once wasn't bad enough, was this something that was going to be a regular occurrence?

"Shit, Pony." Two-Bit commented, "You alright?" Two-Bit didn't like the fact that Ponyboy was walking around the hospital on his own. He'd gotten into enough trouble in the past from being on his own.

Ponyboy shrugged. "Yeah. I guess so." He sniffed, not sure what to say next. He felt fine, but that nightmare was starting to get to him. Why did he remember this one? It chilled him to the bone, it was bad enough that it happened at night, but now it was seeping into his life in ways it shouldn't. "Let's go see Soda, huh?"

The boys found out where Soda's room was located; luckily Ponyboy was headed in the right direction so they didn't have to backtrack. The halls weren't especially crowded, though they did get a few looks, having dressed in their jeans and leather jackets, hair greased back into slick cowlicks. The hospital had that scent that all hospitals seemed to radiate; a combination of sick and extremely clean. On the way there, they went between chatter and silence, not knowing how to feel in the aftermath of what could have been a terrible tragedy.

On the way, they bumped into Darry, who immediately wrapped Ponyboy in a hug. "You doing alright little buddy?" Darry's voice had a trace of emotion and Pony wondered if something had happened to Soda.

"Yeah, I'm okay." Pony said, his voice muffled in Darry's dusty work shirt. Ponyboy didn't realize Darry meant more than just the passing out incident, he didn't realize Darry knew about the nightmare. Pony didn't necessarily plan on telling anyone until he could figure this thing out. "Can we go see Soda? Is he okay?"

"He's the same as he was." Darry pulled Pony back so he was at arm's length. "Are you sure you're up to seeing him? Doc thinks it might be good to see him."

Pony shrugged. "Yeah, I want to see him." He glanced towards their buddies standing in the hallway. Darry hadn't seemed to notice them.

Darry looked at the two greasers and gave them a slight smile. "He's down this way a bit. He's hooked up to some tubes and wires and machines and stuff. Doc says its just for now. Just for monitoring. But that he seems to be doing pretty well. May even get taken off the machine soon. He inhaled a lot of smoke I guess so they want to try to clear out his lungs a bit I think."

The rest of the boys followed Darry to where Soda's room was located. The air seemed to still around them as they approached and stepped into the room. The first thing Darry noticed was that the tube that had been in his brother's mouth was gone, and the cuts on his face had had something applied to them. Darry breathed a sigh of relief. At least it was something.

"This is ridiculous!" Darry and Pony turned to see the anger (and maybe a few tears, though no one would bring that up), on Steve's face. "Those Socs had something to do with this and they are gonna pay!"

"Steve-" Darry began, but Steve cut him off.

"No Darry! I know those bastards did this. People died in that fire and I'll bet it was to try and fix whatever they thought Pony and Johnny did back then. We're gonna have to set this straight and—"

"Steve, shut up." They all stopped and turned to where the voice had come from. Soda grinned. His voice was hoarse, but understandable. "If anyone's gonna get em it's gonna be me."


	5. Chapter 5

The doctor said Soda could probably leave in a few days depending on the healing process. This lightened the mood of the current events, seeing Soda getting up and walking around, cracking jokes, basically Soda being Soda. The cuts on his face and torso were tiny and seemingly insignificant, probably wouldn't leave much scarring. The burns he'd sustained to his legs were minimal and already beginning the healing process with the bandages and medication, no grafts were needed. He still coughed quite a bit from the smoke, but X-rays showed his lungs were doing well. He was lucky, just as the doctor had said. They wanted to keep him for awhile to make sure nothing got infected and he didn't end up back in the hospital; everyone was okay with that, all agreeing that enough time had been spent in there over the past few years.

"Your family just can't stay outta trouble, Sodapop." Steve chuckled, plopping himself down in a chair he'd dragged in from the hallway. Soda had moved rooms, away from the eerie sight that was the intensive care wing. Here was lighter, less intense, and they'd all had enough of that as well. The nurses weren't bad either, thought Two-Bit, glancing out into hall.

"Yeah yeah." Soda smiled. "You're so full of it Steve." Soda threw a pillow at Steve, who caught it and placed it behind his own head. The boys laughed as Ponyboy walked in the room, arriving from his day at school. He didn't really want to leave Soda, but Darry had insisted. It was his senior year and he'd missed plenty already a few years ago. Pony reminded them that he was actually ahead, even after he'd missed school during his time in Windrixville. 'Sorry, kiddo.' Was all Darry had to say to that. So he'd gone to school, as usual, questions being tossed his way throughout the day as to what had happened (how should I know), how Soda was (still Soda), and talk about a rumble circulated as well. No one from his school had been involved in the fire at the DX station, but everyone was talking about Socs and Greasers and who had done what. Pony was exhausted by the time the day had ended, even though he'd tried to keep his head low. "Hey, Pony." Soda greeted him.

"Hey Soda." Pony set his bag on the floor and made his way to his brother's side. "How ya feeling?"

"Same I guess. Doc says I'll be able to leave soon. But until then I'll keep enjoying doing nothing." Soda grinned and Steve rolled his eyes, Pony smiled.

"Alright boys, I'm out." Steve stood from the chair, tossing the pillow back at his friend. "Catch ya later Soda. Bye Pony." Pony nodded at Steve as the older boy slipped out the door. Hey could hear him whooping his way down the hallway, trying to catch the nurse's attention. He wasn't as bad as Two-Bit, but still. Two-Bit, who had been resting against one of the walls, followed out after Steve, nodding his goodbye as well.

"What's up with him?" Ponyboy asked, noticing Two-Bit wasn't his usual boisterous self.

"He's all bent because the nurse he's been hitting on for the past two days won't give him the time of day."

Pony laughed, then his face became serious. "You really okay Soda?"

"Hey. Yeah, I'm fine. Bit sore still, but I'm okay." Soda scooted closer to Ponyboy, who had perched himself on the edge of Soda's bed. "What's the matter Pony? Why are you so worried? Something happen today?" Soda asked, concerned. Pony was the sensitive one of the three brothers, taking things to heart, then wearing them on his sleeve. Darry was more serious, like their father, and Soda fell somewhere in between.

"No, I just—" Pony began, but stopped short. Was he ready to spill yet? He wasn't sure. His nightmares were getting worse, and he was remembering them more and more clearly. He hated falling asleep, knowing they'd be right there as soon as he closed his eyes. Darry knew about them, though Pony hadn't told him he could remember them at all. But sure enough, since Soda had been in the hospital, three days now, the dreams haunted him with a new fury. And each time, Darry had been there for him, coming into his room, like Soda had done after their parents had died, and rubbing his back, talking softly until Ponyboy felt okay enough to go back to sleep. At least that's what he'd told Darry, that he could go back to sleep, when in reality, after Darry had left the room, Pony would lay in his bed, still shaking, unshed tears lingering in his eyes, until it was time to get up and get ready for school. He only wanted to be here with Soda, to see that he was okay. "Its nothing really. I was just worried about you. I'm glad you're feeling better."

"Are you sure? I know how it can get at school, with the Socs. They haven't been bothering you have they Pony?" Soda thought it was the Socs. He thought Pony was being threatened. It's not that Pony was small, he wasn't, but he was average at best. Not muscular like Darry or sturdy like Two-Bit; he was lean, his legs carrying most of the muscle in his body from being on the track team the past few years, his arms toned from the workouts during practice, but there were bigger guys around school for sure. He mostly blended in though, didn't get picked on much anymore. Until recently, he didn't say much to anyone while he was there; he just went to school to do what he had to do and returned home afterward.

"Nah. They have pretty much left me alone since Johnny and Dally died." Pony admitted. "This place still gives me the creeps you know?"

Soda nodded. "Yeah, we don't exactly have good memories here." He paused. "Pony, I get the feeling there's something you're not telling me."

"I'm okay, Soda." Pony looked down at the bed, his hands resting in his lap. He felt like he was thirteen all over again.

"You look exhausted. Not normal track tired either." Pony glanced away for just a second and Soda saw it. "You're having nightmares again aren't you?"

Soda knew Pony better than anybody, better than he himself did even. There was no denying it anymore, he had to say something. He didn't want to make Soda's recovery harder, the stress of the nightmares hurt all of them at times, not sleeping, worried all the time that Pony was afraid of something he couldn't even remember. He didn't answer right away, but when he did it wasn't more than a whisper, "Yeah."

"Aw, Pone. Do you remember anything? What they are about?" Pony nodded. Soda tried to catch Pony's eye, but Pony kept his head down, his fingers picking at a loose thread on the hospital blanket that covered the bed. "Hey." Soda reached out and gently lifted Pony's chin, trying to read him. "What is it?"

Pony's eyes glistened with tears. "You,"


	6. Chapter 6

Ponyboy coughed and rolled over, lying on his side, his back to the door. Grimacing, he coughed again, and tried to get comfortable. Instead he felt an intolerable heat on his face, a sting in his nose, and the coughing intensified. He pried his eyes open, the heat source scouring his eyes, blurring his vision. Smoke. The tickle in his throat grew stronger and he tried in vain to suck in a breath, only to be met with yet another coughing fit. His hair was plastered to his forehead, sweat dampening his tshirt. He checked his surroundings, saw flames licking at the wood , smoke pouring out of the windows. Fire? He sat up, suddenly wide awake. The church was on fire.

Johnny…..he looked around him. Where was Johnny? He managed to stand, trying his best to shield himself from the burning building. His heart was racing, the sound loud in his ears above the roaring fire. He looked around as best as he could but couldn't see his own hand in front of him. Did Johnny already get out? Why didn't he wake Pony up? "Johnny!" Pony choked out. His throat was ablaze, every part of his mouth seemed to be enveloped with smoke and fire and ash. He coughed hard, his body unforgiving, trying to get the burning sensation out.

Putting his arm in front of his face, he made his way towards one of the windows; at this point he could navigate the church in his sleep. Feeling around, trying to avoid direct flames, he shuffled his feet on the floor, kicking up dirt and ash. His eyes tried to tear up, to help him see, but there was nothing. He felt his body starting to dry out, his vision cloudy, his muscles tight, his throat begging for mercy. He needed air, clean air. As he felt the window frame in front of him, his vision started to get spotty, black dots danced in front of him. He used what little energy he had left, the lack of oxygen on his body draining, to throw himself through the window and to the ground. He tried to inhale the clean air, but all he could taste was char, smoke lingered on his tongue, choking him. A coughing fit ensued, eventually blackness overtook him.

When he awoke, Ponyboy found himself lying on the grass, the church gradually burning to nothing but soot. He backed himself away as best as he could, scrambling on his back, his elbows doing most of the work, nearly dragging his feet with him. He stared in horror, the blackened church, still popping and crackling in front of him. As his mind cleared, he knew he needed two things: to find Johnny and locate water. His eyes darted all around him, trees swayed in the light breeze, the sky a bright blue, oblivious to the fantastic thing happening right in front of him. Everywhere he looked, there was no Johnny. Ponyboy was struck with one thought: he must still be in the church. Panic overtook him, his breathing became erratic, his heart hammering in his chest. No. There was no way. Johnny had been asleep beside him, he would have known. Wouldn't he?

"Pony." A voice startled him out of his thoughts. To his left stood a boy, dark hair, copper skin, a sheepish grin on his face. Ponyboy still lie on the ground, propped up on his elbows, disbelief seeping into his body.

"Johnny!" Pony croaked. "You're okay." It was more of a statement than a question. He felt relief flood his body. Finally, he stood, moving to where Johnny was, seemingly unharmed. But the older boy was gone. Pony spun around, searching. Surely he wasn't imagining things. He saw Johnny to his right now, staring at him. "How—"

"Pony, I'm fine. And clearly you're okay now." Pony nodded as Johnny spoke. "I was pulled from the church early this morning before the fire started."

"Pulled?" But they were the only two there. And why hadn't Pony been pulled out as well? But, wait. Before the fire started? It didn't make any sense. Confused, Pony looked at the church again, most of which was ash, the rest on its way. He looked back at Johnny, and saw that someone else had joined him. "Soda?"

Sodapop put a hand on Johnny's shoulder. They both smiled. Johnny glanced at the older boy as if he'd expected him to show up. "Of course, Pony." Johnny replied. "Who do you think started the fire?"


	7. Chapter 7

NO!" Ponyboy sat straight up in bed, breathing hard, his heart thumping in his chest. He felt hands on his shoulders and nearly shrugged them off before he saw who they belonged to. His eyes grew wide for just a moment, then he saw the concern in his brother's eyes. "Soda." He breathed. Sodapop sat on the bed next to his younger brother, Darry watching from across the room. They were still in the hospital, Pony having fallen asleep in Soda's hospital bed, his brothers both watching him intently.

"Lay back Pony. Relax." Soda gently pushed Ponyboy back so he was settled back against the pillows. "You're okay now. Whatever you were dreaming about is over. It's okay."

"No, Soda. You don't understand." Pony was shaking, still half in the dream, half in the present.

"Baby, we want to understand." After Pony had told Soda that he was in his nightmares and that he remembered them, he hadn't wanted to say anything more. Instead, he had curled up next to Soda in the rough blankets of the hospital bed, wanting to be close to his brother again. His mind fought with itself, reassuring him that Sodapop would never do anything to hurt him and finding it somewhat hard to find comfort with the one person who seemed to haunt him. Ponyboy wasn't stupid, he knew it was a dream, knew it wasn't real, but somewhere in his mind, there was pain from it. It began creeping up on him, overtaking him even in his waking hours.

Now, sitting in the hospital bed, surrounded by his brothers, he felt his panic starting to subside. "It was so real." His voice was barely audible. He was still shaking, and allowed Soda to wrap his arms around him. "I dreamt about the fire."

"Oh, honey, I'm okay." Soda reassured him.

"No, the one in Windrixville." Pony's voice was muffled in Soda's shirt. Soda pulled back from him and glanced at Darry. "But it was different. You were there too." Pony paused, taking a quivering breath. "You and Johnny—" He felt his chest get tight. "You and Johnny were there together and you were happy. He said that you started the fire. But he was okay, he wasn't even there in the church. It was like you wanted me to be hurt, you wanted me to be the one who died, not Johnny." Tears escaped his eyes once more.

"Golly, Pony." Soda looked hurt, and Darry came to sit on the other side of him. "Baby, you know that would never happen, right? I would never hurt you. Ever." He lifted Pony's chin so that he was looking him in the eye. "You've got to know that, Pone." Soda's eyes were pleading.

"Pony, you know that's just a dream, don't you?" Darry asked, laying a hand on Pony's shoulder. "Soda loves you. We both do."

Pony nodded. He knew that, of course he did, but why did he have the same dream over and over again? Did Soda's accident at the DX cause him to put him in the dream? If so, why would he want to hurt Pony?

"Are you okay?" Soda asked. "Do you want to try going back to sleep?" Pony shook his head. He definitely didn't want to go back to sleep. "You know I can leave tomorrow? The doctor said I'm healing up nicely. I don't have much pain anymore and I can get around just fine. I'll have a few scars maybe but nothing major. Even the glass that hit my face won't scar too badly." Soda smiled genuinely at Ponyboy. So many things had happened to their world in the past few years, yet they still had one another.

Ponyboy nodded. He was happy his brother would be going home soon. He wanted Soda to be okay and he especially wanted to be home. This hospital brought back too many memories, none of them pleasant. Darry spoke after a moment. "Pony, I know this has been a tough week. I know things have been hard ever since Johnny and Dally died, and of course, our parents. Maybe once we are back home, Soda too, it'll get better. I think all of this is really getting to you." Darry hated that no matter how they tried to get along, something kept happening; their parents dying in a car accident, Johnny and the Soc, the fire, then Dally getting killed by the same people who had called him a hero. Now the thing with Soda. Darry thought maybe it was time Pony saw a doctor again, tried to figure out if anything could be done. Clearly getting older, sharing a bed with Soda, and keeping busy wasn't going to be enough for Pony and as they sat together in the hospital bed, the nightmare surrounding them all like a dark cloud, Darry wondered if anything would be enough. Maybe this time, the darkness was here to stay.


	8. Chapter 8

On the day Soda was to leave the hospital, Darry asked his doctor for a recommendation for a therapist for Ponyboy, preferably someone not too expensive, yet with plenty of experience in the area of nightmares. He was given the name of a doctor within the hospital, and though Darry had some concerns about Pony coming back there, he decided they didn't have much of a choice. Something had to be done.

They got into Darry's truck, all of them happy to be leaving that building, at least for the time being. Darry drove, though at this point, all of them had their licenses. Darry nearly laughed, then cringed, as he remembered the summer he and Soda had taught Ponyboy to drive. They went to an open field in the beginning so Pony wouldn't cost them an arm and a leg running into everything in front of him. Those first few times were a bit tense, and Darry hadn't necessarily wanted to teach him quite yet, but at sixteen, Pony had insisted. Darry figured they walked nearly everywhere anyway, but Pony said he'd feel safer in a vehicle, especially on days he had to walk alone (though Darry had specifically asked him to call Two-Bit for a ride on those days), and Darry had conceded. Once they hit the streets, after a couple weeks of driving in that field, Darry felt much better about Ponyboy being behind the wheel. He wasn't a reckless driver, though not as cautious as Darry, and eventually Darry even felt okay allowing Pony to take the truck to the movies from time to time. In the beginning, however, Pony nearly ran a stop sign and plowed into another truck. Darry had just about taken his head off over that, but Sodapop had just laughed.

The drive home was fairly silent, Darry now and again checking on his brothers, Pony sullen and brooding, staring out the window, Soda, chipper and upbeat about being home again. When they pulled up to the house, Steve and Two-Bit met them on the front porch. "Hey, Sodapop!" Steve called, jumping on his back. Soda laughed, pushing his friend off, tackling him to the ground.

"Lay off, Steve." Darry scolded. "He just got out of the damn hospital."

Steve and Soda gave it a rest, slapping hi-fives with Two-Bit on the way into the house. The excitement died down some as the guys fell into their usual spots on the couch. Pony headed to his room, claiming he wasn't feeling well. Darry knew he was just fine, but he looked exhausted, so he let it go. It was only one o'clock in the afternoon, but Darry was already thinking about work the next day. He'd taken the day off to bring Soda home, plus the couple of days right after the fire. Work was going well and he was making decent money, but he didn't like missing work unless necessary. Soda seemed perfectly happy sitting on the couch joking with Steve and Two-Bit.

Darry walked into the kitchen and began throwing things together for sandwiches. After calling the guys into the kitchen, he took one in to Ponyboy. Darry knew something was bothering Pony. He had been having nightmares every night for the past few nights and even a couple during the day if he fell asleep, which he avoided like the plague. Opening the door to Pony and Soda's room, he found Pony lying in bed, staring out the window. "I thought when Soda began sleeping with me and I stopped having nightmares so often that I could finally move on from this."

Darry took a seat on Soda's side of the bed. "Sometimes life sneaks back up on you Pony, and this is your mind's way of trying to sort it all out." He paused, placing his hand on Pony's arm. "I made you an appointment to talk to someone, a therapist."

Pony turned his head so that he was facing Darry. "What? But I've done all that. He said to read more, play more sports, all of that. And I did, I do."

"I know that Pony. But this person specializes in sleep issues. Nightmares, really. What you keep dreaming about, and why you can suddenly remember what happened in those dreams, can't be good for you. Soda is okay, honey, really he is. But for some reason it still gets to you. I wish I could help and so does Soda. But we can't, not with this."

There was a long moment of silence. "I miss Johnny, Darry."

"Oh, Pony, I know you do. We all do."

"Why does everything have to be so messed up?"

"I don't know, little colt, I don't know."

"You know Johnny told me to stay gold?"

"Sure."

"I think I've let him down."

"No, there's no way he'd think that."

"Johnny didn't deserve to die in that fire."

"But it happened."

"But it shouldn't have, Darry." Pony said, sitting up. "It should have been me."


	9. Chapter 9

Darry found himself on the phone with the psychologist from the hospital by three o'clock. He didn't tell the others what Ponyboy had just said to him; he'd tell Soda later, but for now he just kept it to himself. Whatever kind of hurt his dreams were causing him, they were bleeding into his daily life and Darry didn't know how to help him any longer. He thought things like this were long gone, but this had thrown Pony into a downward spiral. He was going back to what he was like right after his parents died; scared, withdrawn, even argumentative.

By three fifteen, Darry was off the phone with an appointment for Pony scheduled in two days. Though Darry didn't consider Ponyboy to be suicidal, the doctor insisted she get him in quickly. Even two days seemed like a long time to wait. Pony only picked at his lunch, and wasn't talking much to the gang. Even Soda, still recuperating, couldn't seem to get much out of him. The pain he felt was evident. Darry just couldn't figure out where it was coming from. He'd been fine for so long, all of this was such a shock. It hurt Darry to think that he couldn't help his little brother. But he hoped that the therapist would make a difference.

Ponyboy spent the next two days going through the motions, eating when he was supposed to, though very little, sleeping when night came, though not very soundly. All in all, by the time his appointment rolled around, he was exhausted, cranky, and a bit shaky from lack of food.

As Darry drove Ponyboy to his the hospital for his appointment, nervousness radiated from the younger Curtis. Everything the previous doctor had suggested had worked up until now. Why would this doctor be any different? He certainly didn't feel like reliving everything in his dreams or the reasons they had been brought about. But he couldn't stand feeling like this anymore; afraid, hopeless, everyone treating him like a child.

Darry pulled into a parking spot close to the entrance and shut off the engine. They were early. "Do you want me to go with you?" Darry asked. He was met with only a shrug. "I can. You don't have to feel bad about asking Pony."

Reluctantly, Pony nodded. He did want Darry there, but only in the waiting room, he decided. He was too afraid of what was going to come out of his mouth for Darry to be in the room with him.

They both got out of the truck, walking in silence into the bustle of the hospital. Darry noticed how Pony shrunk a little in the presence of the massive building. Darry felt a little uneasy himself, the hospital having been the site of nearly everything bad that had happened to them over the past few years.

Together, they walked to the elevator and headed for the seventh floor. It seemed most of the psychiatrists and such were located on the same floor so he hoped they could find the one they were looking for. Luckily, her office was located just to the right of the elevator, about halfway down a long, narrow hallway. There was light music playing as they entered the waiting room, the soft scent of vanilla throughout the air; it was meant to be peaceful and serene, but only reminded Ponyboy the reason for their visit. He couldn't tell exactly why he was nervous, but a feeling of anxiousness travelled through his body.

As Darry went to sign him in, Ponyboy sat amongst the few chairs that lined the perimeter of the small room. The walls were painted a light blue, pictures of flowers and trees in various spots, magazines scattered across low tables in between the chairs. Ponyboy picked up a magazine and looked at the cover. A nature scene covered the front, and he wondered if people who lived in the woods had no problems at all, since apparently nature was considered the optimal soothing paradise. He tossed the magazine back onto the table.

Darry came back and sat with Ponyboy, helping him fill out the few pages of insurance information, family history, and the like. After about twenty minutes, a petite woman with a short blond bob appeared in the doorway and called Ponyboy back to her office. Ponyboy left Darry and the vanilla-scented serenity behind him and followed the woman down a short hallway, feeling as if he were walking towards his own execution.


	10. Chapter 10

Ponyboy entered the small room with a sense of unease. The lavender walls seemed to mock him. He took a seat where the woman gestured, a small couch settled on one wall, facing two large chairs. Pillows were strategically placed on either end, as if inviting one to relax, stay awhile. He took a seat in the middle of the couch, his face giving away nothing. He didn't know what he was supposed to say or where to begin. "Ponyboy, I'm Dr. Kendrick. Should we start with why you think you're here today?"

Ponyboy shrugged; wow, could he act any more like a moody teenager? "I guess my brother Darry thought I should talk to you."

She nodded. "That's true, your brother Darrel made the call, but what made you come in?" Ponyboy noticed the clipboard settled on her lap, pen poised to write down the evidence that he was going crazy.

Ponyboy thought for a moment and decided that 'Darry would pound me' didn't sound like a good answer. "I guess I need some help."

"Ponyboy, I'm going to ask you a few questions before we get into this, okay? Have you or do you think of harming yourself or others?" That was a loaded question. Ponyboy didn't think about suicide, but he did want to kick the socs heads in after what they did to Johnny; it was, after all, their fault.

"No."

"I have some news that concerns me, which was relayed to me through your brother. Your friend passed away from the aftereffects of a fire?"

Ponyboy clenched his jaw and looked away. It still hurt to think about what happened to Johnny, even after the years that had passed. Yet she said it so easily that Ponyboy nearly lashed out. But he only nodded.

"You said that you wished it was you that had died in the fire, is that true Ponyboy?" Ponyboy couldn't read her and it unnerved him. She looked like a soc, or at least someone who wouldn't appreciate that he was a greaser. Why did she want to help him anyway? What was she getting out of it? Oh yeah, money.

"I guess I said that. Johnny didn't deserve that." Ponyboy felt the pangs of guilt rise in him once again. He had let that go at one point, but here it was staring him in the face. This was going great so far.

"And you think you do?" She asked him. He had taken one of the pillows and placed it on his lap, fingering one of the tassels. "You think you deserved to die Ponyboy?"

"I dunno. I guess. It was my idea." Pony told her. Great, now she was getting him to talk. At this point he wasn't sure he wanted to tell her everything, but here he was anyway.

"What was your idea?" She scratched some notes across the pad of paper, waiting for him to answer.

Ponyboy thought back to that night. Darry had pushed him, shoved him in the chest, and he had fled the house. Tears stinging his eyes, he turned to the one person he knew would understand. He thought of meeting Johnny in the lot, convincing him to run away from everything, and eventually meeting up with the socs in the park. Neither one of his brothers had come after him and it hurt that they just didn't care, especially Soda. It was his fault Johnny had killed the soc. It was his fault they fled to Windrixville. It was his fault they were at that church and the fire started. It was his fault Johnny got trapped and he couldn't save him. Everything was his doing. Everything….

Ponyboy felt himself losing control. He had been in this office for about ten minutes and already he was starting to crack. He felt hot tears trying to escape and quickly brushed them away. "I was the one who said we should leave. I was the one who started it all."

"Started what? Where were you wanting to go?"

"We went to this place called Windrixville. It was just some teenage crap." He didn't dare say what happened between him and Darry. No one knew about that besides the gang. And Darry hadn't laid a hand on him since. "I told him I wanted to run away, just get away. Maybe from being a greaser, I dunno. Just escape."

"He agreed to go with you?'

"Well, yeah." Ponyboy had never thought about it like that. Johnny would never have said no. Was that Pony's fault or maybe Johnny wanted to get away just as badly as he did, he just needed a reason. "But he was my best friend. He would never let me go alone."

"He could have stopped you." She said this gently, just a lick of sarcasm in her voice, but it still bothered Pony.

Ponyboy shook his head. "Johnny's parents weren't the nicest people in the world. He nearly lived in my house. But it was bad for him. Maybe I knew that. Maybe I used that to my own advantage."

"What events led up to the fire?" She asked, changing tactics.

Surely she had seen the paper. It was on the front page and involved greasers being 'heroes' instead of 'hooligans' so it caught a lot of attention. But if she had, she didn't mention it.

"Johnny and I ran into some Soc—guys." He corrected himself. Greasers was a word adults understood, socs not always, and he didn't necessarily want to make that distinction in case it got him in trouble. "They were up for a fight. I was planning on going back home, but they wouldn't back off. There were more of them than us. They got me to a fountain and forced my head under. I couldn't breathe. Johnny stabbed one of the guys and he died." Ponyboy paused, remembering the fear on Johnny's face, the sick feeling he got in his own stomach. "But he saved my life. So we left, went to Windrixville. We didn't want to get into any trouble and we were there for nearly a week. But another friend of ours showed up with a letter from my brother, Sodapop. We grabbed some food and by the time we got back, the whole church was on fire. We ran in because there were some kids that got into the church. They were all fine, but Johnny died from it. He never made it out of the hospital." Ponyboy felt breathless. His heart was racing and his eyes were once again blurring. "I did."

"That was a very brave thing you did." She mentioned.

"Hell of a lot of good it did." Ponyboy felt the tears burn hot in his eyes, fall down his cheeks and land on his shirt. He nearly spat the next words at her. "My best friend lost his life and I'm sitting here because I can't handle mine! That's why it should have been me! That's why I should have died, because he would live so much better than me!"


	11. Chapter 11

Ponyboy wiped an arm across his eyes and took a shaky breath, disgusted with himself for his outburst and not really sure why it had happened. Maybe it was just because he was tired of everyone treating him like he was still thirteen again or maybe he couldn't go any longer without saying it out loud. He walked to the window that that faced the parking lot, the greenery around the hospital staring back at him as if to say; look where you are and look where I am. "Ponyboy, have you ever heard of 'Survivor's Guilt'"? Dr. Kendrick asked calmly, as if his episode had never occurred.

Ponyboy looked over at her, still standing at the window. "What are you talking about?"

"It basically means you feel guilty or badly because you were the one to live while one or more people did not, typically when you're all in the same situation together and it could have ended very badly for all of you. This happens a lot in car crashes, airplane crashes, and the military. A lot of people die in one incident, while there is one lone survivor. Does that sound anything like what you've been feeling?"

Ponyboy kept his eyes on the doctor as he made his way back to the couch and took his seat. "So this is an actual thing? Something a lot of people feel?"

The doctor nodded. "Yes, it happens often after a trauma. The brain has a hard time making sense of what occurred and the logic of why you survived while someone else perished tends to be a hard concept to grasp. That's another reason I asked you about suicide. Many survivors, such as yourself, have a hard time understanding why and being okay with the fact that they survived. Even years after the fact, even if they thought they were okay with it all. Sometimes it sort of goes into hiding for awhile and stays dormant until something brings it up again, triggers it." She kept her voice soft while explaining. Dr. Kendrick wasn't old by any means, probably no older than Ponyboy's parents, and he was beginning to feel comfortable with her. She reminded him of his mom, making him feel safe, that it was okay to say what was on his mind.

"I have these dreams." Ponyboy started. His voice was low, still not completely sure how to go about this. The other doctor had only been his pediatrician, not an actual therapist, so he hadn't had to open up to anyone, and the gang didn't know how he felt, not really. Dr. Kendrick said nothing, but sat in her chair, listening to him intently, as if what he said mattered. Maybe it did. "I've had nightmares since my parents died. But they kind of stopped some after my brother Sodapop started sleeping with me. I felt safer I guess. I do feel kind of stupid at my age to need that, but it helps." The bitterness and anger left him as he spoke, and he tried to act like he was talking to Soda, even though lately he didn't want to tell anyone anything. "Then when Johnny died, and then Dally was killed, it hurt to take a deep breath, like I didn't deserve it. They fought for me. They were my brothers, really. They had my back, made sure I was safe, even though they had their own sets of problems. But that seemed to get better eventually too. It didn't hurt quite as much to think about them, didn't absorb every thought in my head every day. And then when I saw what happened at the DX and Soda—" His voice broke. "I just couldn't focus anymore, I couldn't hide because it was all right in front of me all over again. I started having nightmares again and it didn't matter where I was or if Soda was there or not, they just kept getting worse and worse. Most of the time they are about the first fire, the one that killed Johnny, but it's different, I'm the only one in the church and Johnny is fine and Soda is there and they are both laughing. They wanted me dead. So I feel like maybe it would be better if I were the one who died. That things would have played out so differently. Maybe Soda wouldn't have been working an extra shift at the DX so that he could help pay for my college and get out of the house because looking at me reminds him of the fact that Johnny isn't here anymore and I am. Maybe Darry could have gotten a real degree and been happier with how his life turned out. But because I'm here, because I started it all, no one can really truly move on. Everything I love seems to get taken from me in some way and all because I walked out that door over some stupid—" Pony paused to catch his breath and get his bearings. "Maybe if it had been me things like this wouldn't keep happening, maybe I'm just tearing everything apart all over again."


	12. Chapter 12

Dr. Kendrick shifted in her seat and leaned forward so that she angled herself towards Ponyboy. She had been taking notes throughout his speech; wanting to make sure it was all documented, all on paper how Ponyboy was feeling."What would Johnny say to you if he were here right now?"

Ponyboy sniffled and made eye contact with the doctor. He just shook his head. None of this made sense. If Johnny were here, none of this would be happening. "I dunno." He said finally. "That none of this was my fault. That he chose to go into the church after the kids, that Darry and Soda love me and only want to do what they can for me."

"And you don't agree with that?" She asked.

"I guess so. But if they didn't have me to worry about then so many things would be different."

"That's true." She told him. "But are you a good brother and were you a good friend to Johnny?"

"They would say so."

"What do you say?"

"Sure, I guess so."

Deciding to head in another direction, Dr. Kendrick changed tactics. "What happens when these dreams occur?"

Ponyboy hated talking about his dreams. He hated that he still got them, that even at his age things still seemed to haunt him as badly as they did when he was thirteen. But he was here and there was nothing he could do to change that. Darry would be pissed if he shelled out money for a therapist and Pony just sat there the entire time. "I don't remember them most of the time, at least I didn't used to. Back when my parents died, I had them all the time and could never remember exactly what happened, but would wake up screaming—" He paused, embarrassed slightly. "Maybe crying some nights, sweating. But I could never pinpoint what exactly got me so worked up. Then Sodapop started sleeping with me and it seemed to help, knowing he was right there. They got better, not as often, and after awhile they didn't scare me as much. After Johnny and Dallas died, I had dreams again, but I was used to them I guess. They didn't bother me as much. But for some reason, I remember these, the ones I've been having recently. They started after my brother was in a fire at his job, the DX gas station. Fire seems to be a permanent fixture in my life."

"And why do you think you remember these?"

"I have no idea. They scare me though. Some of the time it's Soda and Johnny at the church, wanting me to die in the fire. But other times, it's different. I haven't told anyone about those. It's hard to talk about those. And we don't do a whole lot of that in my group. Talk, I mean. Other than Darry and Soda and—

" He broke off, his vision once again blurring. "Johnny."

"I see." She glanced at the clock on the wall. "Unfortunately we are out of time for today, but I really think you should come back soon. Maybe next week? I think that will give you some time to decide if you're ready to talk about those dreams. Maybe talking about them will help you to deal with them." She suggested. She stood and Pony joined her, following her out to the waiting room.

Darry was still sitting in the same position as before, paging through a magazine, but he looked up when he saw Ponyboy walk through the door. Dr. Kendrick put a hand on Pony's shoulder. "I look forward to seeing you again Ponyboy."

Ponyboy gave her a slight smile. "Thanks." And followed Darry back out to the truck.

"How'd it go today?" Darry asked once both of them were seated.

"Okay I guess. She wants me to come back again next week."

"Okay. I'll call and make you another appointment." He set a hand gently on Pony's head. "I really want you to feel better Pony."

"Yeah." Pony said back, looking off into the distance.

"Let's go check on Soda huh?" Darry put the truck in gear and backed out of the parking lot. "Make sure Steve didn't get him into anything. Lord knows we don't need anything else."

Pony didn't answer, just stared out the window. Exhausted from the day's events, he felt his eyes beginning to close, his head resting against the door. As sleep overtook him, the dreams came once again.


	13. Chapter 13

Thunder rumbled in the distance, lightning following close behind, a sure sign of the storm to come. Ponyboy lay huddled in the fetal position, covering his ears with his hands, his clothes sticking to his skin from sweat, the fear making him tremble. Johnny wasn't back yet and Pony was getting worried. What if Johnny got caught in the storm? What if he didn't come back at all?

Ponyboy felt himself getting anxious. He should just go home. He should forget what Darry did and go home. But aside from the fear, he felt embarrassed, stupid for having taken off instead of either going into his room to cool off or at least taken a swing at him; of course he wouldn't have done that, no one was dumb enough to hit Darry.

The storm was getting closer, the thunder loud in his ears, rain beginning to pelt his exposed skin, stinging his face as he tried his best to cover himself with his hands. The noise overwhelmed most everything else around him, which is why he didn't hear the footsteps until it was too late.

The socs crept closer, the alcohol on their breath left a stink in the night air. Pony didn't dare move, not yet anyway. He may have looked like a child, but at least he could avoid a lot of whatever they were going to do to him.

He didn't have to wonder for long because they grabbed his legs and arms and steered him towards the fountain, where they pushed them under. He gagged and coughed and the more he fought, the more they seemed to enjoy themselves. But Johnny came up behind them a moment later, a blade raised in the air, ready to be brought down on any one of the Socs. Bob, the one who kept dunking him under was the closest to the knife, but one of the others saw it first and lunged at it, the rest of them dropping Ponyboy into the fountain as they fought to get a hold of it. The blade flew from Johnny's hand and Ponyboy scrambled to get to it, the water blurring his vision as it ran into his eyes. But he found it on the ground, a glint of silver in the moonlight, rain pounding on the pavement. He slipped, but managed to grab it before the rest of the boys had a chance, not having spotted it yet. He tore into the group, knife poised to strike and he did, not realizing Johnny was still in the middle of the foray, blindly went in with a yell and swung his arm, sending the knife plunging directly into Johnny's chest, the dark haired boy screeching into the night.

The Socs scattered, running in all directions as Ponyboy fell to his knees, fumbling with his hands, the knife skittering across the pavement with a sharp chink. "JOHNNY!" He screamed, his throat sore both from the water he'd swallowed and the high pitched wail that left his body. Johnny lay keening on the wet cement, his hands clutched over the wound in his chest, blood pouring from it in horrifying gushes, splattering on the ground and covering Johnny's already bloodied body. Pony tried to put pressure on the wound, Johnny howling with the added pressure, tears streaming from his eyes, leaving tracks on his dirt-smudged face. Pony sobbed, choking on his own tears as he tried, and failed, to halt the bleeding that emerged from the boy's chest.

Johnny's breathing became staggered, raspy, as his body begged for air. "Ponyboy." He tried to smile, to tell him it was okay, but he couldn't get the words out.

"No, Johnny. I'm so sorry!" Ponyboy breathed, his voice but a whisper. "Johnny, please." Johnny coughed, blood oozing from his mouth, sliding down his neck. The blood from the wound had slowed, the pulsing letting up as Johnny's heart became weak with the effort to keep his body alive. And eventually, with one final, gurgling, strangled breath, he was gone, leaving Ponyboy alone in the park where they first met.


	14. Chapter 14

The piercing scream that left Ponyboy's mouth nearly sent Darry into the opposite lane of traffic. "Geez Pony!" He nearly screamed, swerving the truck back into its proper place. But Pony hadn't stopped. Instead he frantically scrambled around in the seat, clawing at his seatbelt and his clothing, as if trying to tear himself apart.

Darry managed to get the truck pulled to the side of the road, throwing it into park, before reaching across the seat to get to a thrashing Ponyboy. Ponyboy fought against him for a moment, but Darry was strong, and pulled Ponyboy to his chest. "Pony, it's okay. It's okay, calm down." Darry spoke softly, all the while Pony was sobbing, his chest heaving with every breath he took. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He repeated over and over, nearly ripping Darry's heart apart with every word he spoke. Darry sat in his truck on the side of the road, holding a shaking Ponyboy, whose world seemed to be coming apart at the seams, and racked his brain as to what could be happening to his little brother. Was this all a build-up of the past few years, something he didn't ever let go of? Was it just about Soda and what had happened over the past week?

Ponyboy hated that he couldn't control his mind, that everything that was happening seemed to cross all boundaries of what he was used to. Dreams kept him from wanting to fall asleep, but being awake and dealing with the aftermath of all the horrors that haunted him while he was sleeping made him so exhausted he could hardly keep his eyes open. He leaned into his oldest brother, his heart hammering in his chest, tears coming too fast to stop them. He kept saying how sorry he was, but he didn't know if he meant Johnny or that he was making such a mess of Darry's shirt. Eventually he managed to compose himself enough to sit back in his seat, a concerned Darry keeping a hand on his shoulder. He sniffed back the rest of the tears and apologized once again. "Pony, you don't have to be sorry, honey. What's going on, huh?" He asked quietly, knowing Pony was still pretty upset.

"I don't know." Pony mumbled. He leaned his head against the window once again, this time determined not to fall asleep, and after the dream he just had he didn't think that was possible anyway. He brushed the sweat from his forehead, his breathing finally beginning to settle. "Can we go home now?" Ponyboy noticed the whine in his voice returning, the way he felt like a little kid, and for the first time in a long time, he wanted his mom. The tears threatened to return, but he held them off.

Darry settled back into his seat, put the truck into drive, and pulled back onto the road. They were quiet the rest of the way home, Darry stealing glances in Pony's direction, his instincts kicking in, sensing that something wasn't right, and concerned that Ponyboy didn't want to talk about it. He knew Ponyboy wasn't one to complain out loud most of the time, preferring to hide his emotions until it made him sick.

They pulled up to the house to find Soda and Steve sitting on the front porch, Soda standing the moment they came into view. Ponyboy ran into Soda's arms, nearly knocking him off his feet, the tears he thought were gone, returning with a vengeance. Soda balanced himself, looking over Pony's shoulder to Darry, who had gotten out of the truck, a look of concern plastered to his face. Soda buried his face in Pony's hair, holding on to him tightly, afraid to let go, that if he did his brother wouldn't be able to hold himself up. Steve hung back, feeling slightly awkward, not really knowing what to do with himself.

Eventually Ponyboy was able to catch his breath, and Soda pulled him back and held him at arm's length. "Oh, Pony. Was it that bad?"

"It wasn't the therapist." Darry shut the door to the truck and made his way to the porch to join the rest of them. "He had a nightmare on the way home. I think he's just so exhausted he can't help but fall asleep. I didn't even realize he'd fallen asleep until he woke up screaming. I thought he was looking out the window, thinking about what he'd just talked to the doctor about." He looked at Ponyboy, who was looking at the ground, both embarrassed and ashamed of his behavior, especially that Darry chose to say it all aloud in front of Steve.

"Let's go inside." Soda suggested, putting an arm around his younger brother and leading him inside. The other two boys followed. "How about I get you a Coke?"

Ponyboy nodded and had a seat on the couch, Darry in the chair next to it, and Steve on the opposite end of the couch leaving room for Soda. When Soda returned with Cokes for everyone, he asked Pony about the session. "Do you want to talk about it? Did it help at all?"

Ponyboy shrugged, popping the top of his bottle. "I guess. She wants me to come back next week. So I guess I'm not fixed yet."

"Pony, we didn't send you there because you're broken, honey. We wanted you to go so that maybe you can figure out what's making you so sad all the time, what's causing these dreams to reappear."

"I know." Ponyboy said, picking at the label on the bottle. "I'm trying. I wish I could just figure it all out and move on you know. Why is it so much easier for you guys? You lost your parents, well, except you Steve. But we all lost Johnny and Dallas and no one else has nightmares."

"Pony you tend to feel differently than the rest of us I think." Darry mentioned.

"Gee thanks." Pony mumbled.

"Now, that's not what I meant." Darry told him, setting his Coke on the small table next to the chair. "I just mean you notice things more than everyone else, you see things in a different way, and that's not a bad thing. It just means that you hang to it and while the rest of us think about it and remember the good things, you seem to focus on the fact that they aren't here anymore."

"What am I supposed to do Darry?" Ponyboy jumped up from the couch, ignoring Soda's attempts to get him to sit back down. "I'm sorry I can't just forget. I've tried. And for three years I think I've done a pretty damn good job of it. But now it's like I'm haunted. I'M the one who was there. I'M the one who watched my best friend die. Not any of you. So I think I deserve a little credit for 'hanging in there' as long as I have." Ponyboy stomped off to his room and shut the door. They didn't understand, the therapist didn't understand, and all he was doing was creating chaos where there wasn't any and making everyone feel sorry for him. He didn't want to have to do that anymore. He just wanted it all to go away. He needed to think. Eyeing the closed door, and realizing they were giving him his space, Ponyboy opened the window in his room and climbed through it.


	15. Chapter 15

Ponyboy felt his eyes filling with tears and he angrily brushed them away. He walked towards the lot, the only place that he seemed to get refuge from anything. Nobody understood what he was going through. He was as close as he could get to his brothers, but that didn't make them understand. He hated that he had to see his best friend die, watch another get shot and killed, find out at thirteen that he was an orphan. And now the whole thing with Soda, which not only made him sick to think about, but brought back all the memories to the present. His whole life was nothing but one big mess, one trauma after the other. He wanted out. He wanted to be done with it all, stop being such a burden to his family. He thought about running away, going somewhere where he could just be himself, a place he and Johnny had talked about, where greasers and socs were unheard of. But he couldn't do that to his brothers, couldn't put them through that again.

He kicked at a random can someone had tossed onto the street, sending it clanking along the otherwise quiet asphalt. The air felt cool on his face and he welcomed it, the fall becoming more prominent, the leaves beginning to turn colors and slowly fall in twirling patterns onto the ground. He would have marveled at the beauty of it had it not been for the pounding that was starting behind his eyes. It was as if his mind couldn't handle the pressure and it was trying to burst through his head. At this point he would have welcomed it, and reached into his pocket for his pack of cigarettes, pulling one from the pack and lighting it. After sticking the pack back into his pocket, he walked the rest of the way to the lot and took a seat in the same spot he and Johnny used to sit and watch the stars.

It may have been counterproductive to be in a place that held so many memories of his best friend, but he felt himself being drawn there, a quiet place to sit and think things over. The sky had started to get darker earlier in the day as the end of the year came upon them, and Pony looked forward to the sunset that would soon arrive. It was one of the things that calmed him, allowed him to only focus on that one thing, right then.

As he sat, the sun dipped lower and lower in the sky, sending a shock of pink, orange, and crimson across horizon. Pony felt himself begin to relax, stretching his legs out in front of him, when he noticed the sound of feet on the pavement. He felt his pulse quicken, the fear that he was about to be jumped creeping over him. But when he turned around, he saw Darry and Soda, both of them looking down at him with concern.

He felt a multitude of feelings rush over him: anger at them for coming after him, not allowing him to have time to think, gratefulness for the love his brothers were showing him, sadness over the fact that he was once again dragging them into all of this. Without saying a word, Darry and Soda sat on either side of Ponyboy, taking in the sunset along with him. In all their years together, they'd never watched a sunset together. Ponyboy felt his brothers next to him, their warmth, their protection, and their love surrounding him. He knew then what he's known deep down all along: they would always be there for him, no matter what it cost them, no matter the disruption into their lives, no matter how long it took. In the end, even if it took a while, they would always be by his side, braving the toughest moments to come and guiding each other through the ones that have already happened, and as they sat side by side Ponyboy couldn't remember a more perfect sunset.


End file.
